


Tragedy

by clarityace



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Gen, Implied Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Panic At The Disco (Band)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-09 23:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8918113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarityace/pseuds/clarityace
Summary: Ryan, Jon, and Brendon and Spencer all thought a boys' night out or a reunion party would make them see each other again, not this.





	1. Chapter One

"So we call this a day?” Andy asked, and I felt others’ eyes all on me. This was all too sudden. It was 4pm; I usually called it a day at 7pm.  
  
“Yeah.” I said, turning my back against them and keeping my stare on the wooden floor of the attic, yet no voice came out of me. All I could make was a nod and I could hear them starting to vacant the place.  
  
“What’s wrong?” I felt Nick tap my shoulder and it sounded more of concern than of curiosity. I guess I was still not good at hiding emotions, I never was.  
  
“Nothing.” I sighed, my mind rattling, trying to make a good reason for the sudden change of mood. “I’m tired. We’re all tired—and Jon is sick.”  
  
I expected him to ask further because obviously there was something wrong. But Nick knew better, and all he just said was “You sure?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
When the attic was finally empty except for me, I sat on the couch for a few minutes. Panicking voices were still ringing in my head. I felt awful, like someone just punched me so damned hard on the stomach and the fist still stuck in there. _It suddenly felt so hard to breathe._  
  
“Ry—what was it? Who called?” Jon went back. He’d gone earlier with the rest but he came back. I wasn’t surprised. I knew he’d come back. He probably just waited for the others to leave. I knew he had sensed something was _beyond wrong_.  
  
“Jon. It was Crystal Smith—” and as I answered his question the fist in my stomach felt as if it shot up to my throat. I saw the surprise in Jon’s expression and I couldn’t help it. I lowered my head and rested it on my palm trying to hide my face when my eyes started stinging.  
  
“Why? What happened? What’s wrong?!” He asked, rushing to sit beside me. I knew he was curious and at the same time worried. We hadn’t talked to Spencer, or his sisters, or to Brendon for more or less a year now, and them calling, and me acting like this—this sure may be confusing Jon so much right now.  
  
“That’s the matter, Jon! I don’t know what the hell was wrong!” and that was it. I completely lost it. Tears were rolling down my cheeks like it was the end of the world. I looked at Jon and he wasn’t saying anything. “They were panicking, Jon! Like there was fire, or a bomb explosion, but she seemed okay except that she was panicking! It sounded awful, you know, and I wanted to know what was going on but she couldn’t say it right. Couldn’t they have just calmed themselves down first before calling me?!”  
  
And before I knew it I was struggling with words. Jon rubbed my back and told me whatever it was it couldn’t have been that bad. But how could I believe him? Even he who didn’t hear Crystal’s and everyone else’s panicking voices was worried like hell!  
  
“Could you make out anything she had said though?” He asked.  
  
I tried calming myself down. _Breathe in, breathe out_ , I told myself. “All I could make out was they, I don’t know who they were, but they were in a car accident. And she, Crystal, she was in the middle. And Spence was in the back, and Bren--… Brendon… was in front. And Crystal was okay. She was fine. Or I guess she was. And she kept repeating—Crystal kept on repeating Spence was in the back. Spence was in the back. And she kept repeating Brendon was in front. Bren was in front. And she was crying so fuckin’ hard. I didn’t know what it meant!”  
  
“We—we could just call her again, Ry. Ask her, let’s ask her again. They’re probably in the hospital. We’ll go there. See them. Call her, Ry.” Jon stood up and I could see his arms trembling.  
  
“I don’t want to, Jon. It sounded terrible.” I handed him the phone and when he’s got an answer all he said was, “This is Jon. What happened? Alright, alright we’ll go there--where are you? Got it. Okay, we’ll be there—Ry, and I we’ll be there.”  
  
And he hung up. He stared at me for a few seconds, expecting me to ask him anything, but I didn’t, so he just gestured for me to follow.  
  
Next thing I knew we were already on the road not knowing _what the hell_ to expect.


	2. Chapter Two

The blue sky was slowly being tainted red, orange, and purple and there were not many clouds above. However, the sun could not be seen. For god knows how long, I tried searching for it mindlessly, like I wasn’t going to an emergency, like I was just kid with his father on his way home, returning from a field trip. Neither I nor Jon talked since the moment we climbed up the car. It was ironic really, that I remained quiet and still when deep inside me my insides were doing somersaults for worrying too much. I was in the back seat, and Jon was driving. He never wanted me in the backseat when he drove. He said he felt like someone’s driver—my driver—when I sat at the backseat. But now he didn’t even mind. Maybe he didn’t even notice. Maybe there was so much going on in his head.  
  
I felt like we’ve been on the road for three hours now but the sky told me it must’ve been just a couple of minutes. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyebrows met. If I was a stranger to myself I’d be scared. Maybe this was what Brendon—I sighed, _Brendon_.  
  
It wasn’t like it was my first time thinking about him. It was just that this was the first time I was going to see him in two years and I’ve no idea what to expect. Maybe I was expecting something but was just too scared to admit what it was.  
  
“You do realize this is a four-hour trip, don’t you?” Jon asked. I realized he must have been looking at my reflection in the front mirror despite the fact that he was driving. His expression was just as serious as mine. He wasn’t asking, he was informing.  
  
“I didn’t ask where we’re going.” I said stiffly, although it was only then that I realized I didn’t even know where we were heading to. All I knew was I was going to see Spencer and Brendon and the rest soon, and know what happened. The distance didn’t matter to me and I didn’t think it mattered to Jon either.  
  
“I know. I was merely informing you.”  
  
I guessed it right. I’d known Jon for too long not to guess his motives correctly. And the same went for Spencer, and Brendon, and it was what was bothering me the whole time—  
  
I knew that if they were okay, if Brendon or Spencer were okay, it could’ve been them who’d called us. Or they could have not called us and not allowed anyone to inform us at all.  
  
But _neither_ was the case.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation, plus one flashback.

Almost everything was white, just like in any other hospitals you go, and it didn’t help me feel any better _at all_. My feet dragged me to where we thought the emergency section was and it never occurred to me or Jon that the phone call was apparently six to seven hours ago already, and that they may not be in the emergency section anymore. What happened during those six to seven hours, I had no idea. We went all the way here knowing nothing. This was the worst feeling in the world.  
  
I didn’t notice when Jon started using my phone. I even forgot he had it. When he hung up his pace quickened and my heart dropped when I saw familiar faces crowded in the end of the white corridor. They all looked up and a few of them smiled. Those smiles that told you they were thankful you came. It made me feel warm and better, but this wasn’t for long.  
  
“Jon and Ryan, hey,” I heard one of Spencer’s sisters’ voice. “You have to go up another floor, and then turn right.” She gestured her arms on the empty staircase immediately right beside us. We didn’t even have the time to ask anyone what happened, and it didn’t look like anyone felt like talking at the moment.  
  
I felt an empty pit in my stomach; the silence was dreadful. Earlier all I could hear from them were noises, and now they wouldn’t talk. I thought this only happened in movies, I guess I was wrong.  
  
We almost skipped the whole staircase silently and saw Spencer immediately. He was sitting alone, clasping his hands which rested on his lap. He didn’t notice us approach until I sat beside him and held him under my arm.  
  
“Spence,” I whispered and he looked up. He seemed okay except for a few cuts and bruises. Jon remained standing in front of us.  
  
“Hey,” he replied, a slightly shocked expression in his face. We stared at each other for a while and I could say he had no idea we were coming.  
  
“What happened?” I said, breaking the silence which was bothering me but seemed to not bother Jon or Spencer.  
  
“It was a car accident, Ry—” he managed to answer, and turned to look at Jon. Jon quickly shifted his stare away from Spencer to the wall behind me and Spence. I guess things were still not settled between them.  
  
“How are you? How’s everyone?” Jon asked suddenly in a soft voice.  
Spencer had locked stares with Jon for a while before attempting to answer. He took his time and we let him.  
  
I bit my lip and felt my eyes sting. I _fucking_ knew what was coming, and as much as I didn’t want Spencer to go through having to say it out loud, I and Jon had to know, even if I didn’t want to.  
  
“Everyone’s okay. I’m okay—  
  
_Brendon’s not._ ”  
  
\----------------------------  
  
**JUNE 2009**  
  
_I stared at my own reflection in that piece of gold, thinking whether I was ready enough to turn it and face him, who hadn’t talked to me since this morning. I took a deep breath and thought it might make it easier if I knocked first._  
  
_“Brendon?” I called, raising my hand to knock, and when I heard no reply, I counted to three and knocked twice. I was about to knock again after a few seconds of silence when I heard him telling me to come in._  
  
_I reached for the knob, covering my reflection on that piece of gold, and opened the door as silently as I could. The room was dark and only the light from the dining room allowed me to see him sitting on his bed, pushing buttons on his sidekick. He didn’t even raise his head or looked at me to acknowledge my presence._  
  
_“Brendon, is there something wrong?” I asked and managed to make him acknowledge my presence._  
  
_He stared at me for a while like he was angry, like he was about to raise his voice on me, but he didn’t. “Why? Is there something wrong, Ryan?” He asked stiffly, without raising his voice._  
  
_His expression told me he didn’t want to talk to me; I felt like he didn’t even want to be here._  
  
_“I don’t know, I couldn’t think of any—” I said, but he interrupted._  
  
_“Then there isn’t any,” he said, looking back on his sidekick, acting like nothing’s happened, but definitely acting like there was something wrong._  
  
_“What the fuck Brendon,” I burst without thinking twice. “I’m sorry,” I appologized as soon as his attention was back on me. “I just thought there was something wrong and I wanted to know.”_  
  
_I climbed up his bed, crawled near to him, and sat still._  
  
_We caught each others’ stares for a while before his expression became softer. “Of course there’s something wrong Ryan, because if there wasn’t anything wrong, you and Jon wouldn’t be leaving. If there wasn’t anything wrong, Ryan, you wouldn’t leave me.”_  
  
_Then I saw something I never thought I’d see before. There was just enough light for me to see tears flowing from Brendon’s bright brown eyes._


	4. Chapter Four

Jon sank to his knees in front of us and ran his hands over his head, and I felt as if I just stopped breathing. I heaved a sigh and wasn’t able to stop myself from asking,  
  
“Where is he? What exactly is happening now?”  
  
I didn’t want to ask Spencer, given by the looks of it that he wasn’t okay as well, but I really wasn’t able to stop myself. Realizing my mistake, I gave him an embrace of comfort instead, not waiting for an answer. An answer he and everyone else didn’t seem to have.  
  
We stayed silent for most of the time like talking would make everything worse, if possible. We stared blankly in space for what seemed like forever. The whole time I was wishing I wasn’t here, that none of this was happening. But there seemed no hope at all.  
  
Then there were sounds coming from downstairs, sounds that broke us from our daydreaming, from our endless hoping. Sounds that told me my previous question would now be answered. My eyes felt dry without even crying. My lips hurt from my own biting. And I felt as if I’d been trying to kill myself by not breathing for the past few minutes, or hours; I didn’t know anymore.  
  
Jon was the first to stand. He didn’t even turn to look at us. He sprinted past us and downstairs, and Spencer quickly followed, leaving me alone as I stared down my feet, wondering if I even wanted an answer, if I even wanted anything at all.  
  
“We would have to bring him back and resume the surgery as soon as he’s stabled. If we resume too soon, it may cause further complications, and if… we start too late then—”  
  
“The right timing, I guess,” Brendon’s mom said, not wanting to hear whatever the doctor would say next. She was standing just in front of the transparent window which separated me from where Brendon lay, endless blue and white tubes running in and over him, his hair hidden in a blue surgical cap and his neck in a thick flesh brace.  
  
I thought knowing the truth and getting an answer already gave the worst feeling in world. Seeing him in a situation like this just killed me.  
  
This would end one day, wouldn’t it? The pain. One day he would be okay, no matter what the doctors said. Because that was the only ending I could think of. But I couldn’t always just hope.  
  
The doctor left and two people dressed in scrubs entered the room. His mom hesitated to follow and just continued staring. She turned to look at me and smiled, her eyes glistening with tears, and I smiled back, knowing it was the only thing we could do for each other. And I knew the both of us silently wished we could do something for Brendon instead of just standing here.  
  
I wished I became a doctor. Then I wished I hadn’t left. I wish Jon and I never left because maybe, just maybe, it would have made a difference.  
  
Then breaking the silence was a long beeping sound. It made his mom rush in and the nurses rush out. And I refused to believe the sound was something I thought it was.


	5. Chapter Five

Everything went from a panic situation to what seemed like a slow motion movie scene. I felt my legs about to give up as I rushed into the room, contemplating whether I should go in or find a doctor. My legs decided to go in, before eventually giving out once I reached his bed.  
I reached for his hand and held it between mine.  
  
“Oh shit, oh shit,” I mumbled, shaking his hand lightly, as I heard his mom begging him to stay.  
  
The long beeping sound was deafening and could be heard amidst Pete’s and Jon’s yelling as they rushed in from nowhere. They were yelling what’s taking the nurses so long. They were yelling why no doctor seemed to be coming.  
  
Why wasn’t there any doctor coming?  
  
-  
  
-  
  
“Ryan, hey Ryan.”  
  
I heard Pete mumble. My eyes felt dry and they hurt as if I just rested them against someone’s fist. I opened my eyes and raised my head, realizing I did rest them against a fist, my fist. Remembering what happened, I stared at Pete, who was already walking toward the staircase. Spencer and Jon were about to follow him. We were back to where we—Spencer and Jon—were sitting a while back.  
  
Spencer looked back at me. “I fell asleep, didn’t I?” I asked, he nodded.  
  
I heaved a sigh, relieved it was a dream, secretly wishing that it was a nightmare inside another nightmare. But no, this time it felt real.  
  
When we went down the doctor was with his mom, and they were walking away from us, eventually turning out of sight.  
  
“Doctor says B-den’s stable, as of now, although he wasn’t a while back. What’s important is he’s okay now. He’ll need transplants though, soon—” Kara bit her lip and her eyes focused on me. I didn’t take my eyes off her. Then her eyes soon glistened with tears. “He’s in a coma though, and if he doesn’t get the transplant soon he might not make it.”  
  
Almost everyone bowed their heads at the same time. I didn’t. I felt paralyzed at the moment. I saw Jon take out his earphones from his pockets, inserted one end into his iPod, and put them in his ears. I almost thought he was inconsiderate, but before he turned his back against us I saw something I neither saw before nor expected to see anytime soon.  
  
His face turned red, his eyes filled with anger, and tears were flowing fast from them. He walked, and then ran away from us.  
  
One of my friends just ran away alone, completely shutting his senses from the world and completely lost in thought, drowning himself in music coming from his iPod, running to nowhere in a place far away from his home. One was still traumatized physically and emotionally. And one’s lying unconscious succumbing to the extent of his injuries, machines breathing for him, machines keeping him alive. And I’m here, helpless, pathetic, incapable of helping any of them, and I couldn’t even move. I couldn’t even stay strong for myself.  
  
I almost felt as awful as thinking jumping off a building or overdosing on pills would be the best thing to do for myself. But no, even if wanted to do any of those for myself it would make matters worse for my friends and I couldn’t stand that.  
  
That’s when I realized all I ever live for now is them—Jon, Spencer, and Brendon.


End file.
